“Don’t Stop Praying”, by Matthew West

Hi Peace Family, Annie here. When I first heard Matthew’s song, we were often and earnestly praying for Danny’s daughter, Vanessa. We have watched her inch closer to Jesus and we continue to pray for her. We also prayed for Gwen, my daughter who has struggled with PTSD because of actions and words from her father (my first husband). The song truly encouraged me!! It helped me to fervently and confidently petition my Heavenly Father for the burdens on my heart. I believed James 5:16.

I work in Christian radio, so I hear often how music touches hearts. I’ve often cranked up the volume when a song God was using in me at the time would come on. “Don’t Stop Praying” was one of those.

The prayers for Gwen became more detailed in January of this year when she gave birth to her 3rd baby and Postpartum Depression reared its ugly head again. She’d had PPD with her first and then almost none with her second. So when it showed up again it really surprised and discouraged her and it triggered her PTSD. But even in her struggle, she still reached out to others who needed encouragement. Over the next couple of months, her PTSD became like a cancer in her brain. By the end of April, the PTSD and PPD exploded in her brain and she was no longer our Gwen. She believed everyone would be better off without her and on May 1st, she chose to take her own life, leaving a husband, 3 little boys… and a thriving online ministry.

Ok, gonna get pretty raw here… It was at that point, that “Don’t Stop Praying” ceased being encouraging and I would even roll my eyes and turn it down when it came on. Before this happened, I had NOT STOPPED praying for Gwen… I think every waking hour included a prayer for her of some sort! Even in the middle of the night, I’d wake up and instantly pray for her. After her death, my prayers became cries of “Why?!” I watch her husband ask that question too! It’s agony, not just for me, but to watch him suffer so!! Oh, and the anger! I was angry at God. My prayers were variations of… “God, I was asking… no, BEGGING you to heal Gwen!! How could you just stand back and let this happen?! You COULD have healed her!! Why didn’t you send someone to stop her!! YOU could have stopped her!! Why? Why?! WHY?!?!”

As I was showering one morning, I was praying for Allie, a friend’s 17-year-old daughter who has an aggressive form of cancer in her spine. I asked God to heal her, KNOWING that God can heal. But it was as if I was having two concurrent conversations. One I was praying out loud and one was in the back of my head. So, as I was praying out loud for healing for Allie, I was also saying, “God, you could have healed Gwen… and I’m STILL not happy you didn’t… and I still want to know why you didn’t!!!” I continued praying aloud, “In the miracle of Allie’s healing, it would give You so much glory… her doctors, nurses, and all the family and friends… it would give people HOPE…” I can hardly describe what I felt Him saying in reply… “What do you think would glorify my name more… what would give the world more hope? Healing one person? Or would it be as the world sees the work I’m doing in the lives of everyone around the person I’ve called home?” I knew He was having a dual conversation with me… His question was about Allie AND about Gwen. I gasped and bawled!! FYI… the shower is a good place for ugly cries.

I will continue to pray for Allie’s healing. I pray hers is different from Gwen’s; that it will come on THIS side of Heaven’s gates. I will also (eventually, consistantly) thank God for His ultimate healing of Gwen… and His promise of working in the lives of those of us who miss Gwen so much. He and I will also wrestle over the whys and the should-haves but I know He can handle those conversations too.