Peace family, I don’t know if this is something that you need to hear today, but I know this is the kind of thing that I need to remember from time to time. A friend and I recently had a conversation in which my friend told me about struggling with belief, and asked me if I thought they were really a Christian. These were my thoughts for that friend, and if you feel like you are struggling with your faith, these are for you, too.
First, where you stand with God is something that only you and God personally know. However, from what I have observed in your life, (and I have observed many fake Christians in my day), I would say that yes, you are a Christian.
Sometimes life, mistakes, sinful choices, and even sins that are done against us, or circumstances that are just hard, can absolutely disorient and confuse you.
This has happened in my own life. However, a hard season, where we fail to fully embrace or understand the grace that God has for us, or we choose sin over obedience, or we believe lies about who God is or who we are, does not mean that we have lost our salvation, or that we are no longer Christians. The Bible says that when we confess with our mouths that Jesus is Lord and believe in our hearts that God raised him from the dead (in order to atone for our sins), we will be saved.
I have seen you struggle, and I have seen God’s supernatural fruit in your life. Can you remember some of the victories that God has done in your life?
It’s also normal as you grow and get to know yourself more deeply, to rededicate your life and give the deeper levels of yourself to Christ as you discover them. It doesn’t mean that you weren’t dedicated to him before. It’s just like a friendship, where you are going deeper as you grow.
Another thing to examine, when we question our faith; if our close relationships with people have become unhealthy, unstable, or hurtful, I’ve found that sometimes I can project those feelings onto God. At least, that’s something that I sometimes struggle with.
I also know that when I feel ruled by sin and death and not by grace and life, it is usually a problem with my perspective.
God can handle it if you say, “Lord, I know my perspective is wrong, but I don’t even know what up and down are anymore, or how to fix it.”
He can also handle it if you say, “Lord, I know that this activity/habit/choice is a sin, but the truth is, I want this more than I want you right now. I also know that it’s also a sin that I don’t feel sorry about it right now. Please, change my heart.”
I love you, dear friend. I will keep praying for you. I think your plan to start really digging in the Bible and experiencing church in a deeper way is absolutely a good one. You have free time; take time to remember the sweetness of God, and the majesty of his character. Even if everything in your life is totally (and seemingly irrevocably) broken, we can at least count on the trustworthiness of God, his wisdom, his perfection, his beauty, his creativity, his power, and his understanding despite our pipsqueak lives. Take time to remember WHO he is, who made you and loves your soul. You are going to make it!